LOW SEX DRIVE OR LACK OF ATTRACTION

LOW SEX DRIVE OR LACK OF ATTRACTION

Do you feel like you have low sex drive? Do you keep saying you have low sex drive and don’t want to have sex with your partner? Are you a woman and just given birth or have very young children and you are working a full time job? Do you find that your libido has changed since having children? Do you feel less sexual drive, less energy or desire to have sex? Do you have a hard time explaining why or what that is?

Too often couples put labels on their behavior and as a result avoid having difficult conversations. One of those labels is to say that you have low sex drive. Low sex drive is this label that avoids a certain critical analysis or deep dive into the real underpinnings of a relationship.

If you are a woman and you have low sex drive and it’s going on and on and it has come in conjunction with having children, it may not actually be low sex drive. It may just be simply you are very tired, you have no time for yourself, you and your spouse have very little time available to spend as a couple, sex is not a priority for you with the other responsibilities that you have, such as childrearing, house care, ageing parents and work.

Other times, low sex drive may just be that you are no longer sexually attracted to your partner and sexual attraction to your partner is not referring to physical sexual attraction but rather emotional sexual attraction. The intimate part of sex is when we have feelings about our partner or have they make us feel. After the birth of children, many women are carrying the heavy load of childrearing, running the house as well as earning half of the couple’s income and they may feel that there is an unfair distribution of childrearing and work. After their child is born they may be disappointed, hurt or even feel betrayed by the way their partner has not stepped up to help with the parenting.

So often, low sex drive means low attraction to your partner because of the way they are behaving in the relationship. They are not behaving in a way that is attractive or in a way that makes you want to have sex with them because they are not pulling their way in the house with the household chores and family.

Low sexual attraction gets labeled as low sex drive because currently that is a common acceptable thing and it seems like a reasonable explanation, “I have low sex drive”. But rather talking about “I’m not sexually attracted to you because of the way you behaving and I am really disappointed in how you are conducting yourself since we’ve had children and the lack of stepping up” is a very loaded difficult emotional conversation. Already, if you are tired, overwhelmed and have so little free time to engage in such a highly explosive, emotionally draining conversation is not appealing so people say they have low sex drive.

The problem with low sex drive is people keep trying to find ways to increase your drive for sex but they are not addressing the one thing – your partner’s behavior. Is your partner behaving in a way that you find sexually attractive? If they are not, sexual attraction changes after children. Are they helping around with the house? Do they help with the childrearing? Are they getting up in the middle of the night? Are they doing what they say they are doing or do they come home and take it easy and rest and say they are tired? Are they going out with their partner? Are they going out with their friends and staying out late at night leaving you home alone with the child? Do they often need you to tell them what to do and that gets draining and tiring and you feel like an egg? None of these things are attractive and they will lower your sexual drive and lower your attraction.

If you would like to address low sex drive you need to address the underlying issues in your relationship and you need to create time. Therapy with Tammy Fontana at All in the Family Counselling Centre Pvt. Ltd. can help couples with this. If you would like to learn more about how therapy can help you address your sexual intimacy, your sexual drive, your relationship, contact us at +65 9030 7239.

All in the Family Counselling Centre has been providing therapy for just under two decades in Singapore and Southeast Asia. Tammy Fontana, lead therapist, has extensive experience and training in attachment, sex and intimacy, marriage counselling, individual counselling, anxiety, depression and all relationship issues. Contact us to learn more how we can help you.