LOW SEX DRIVE AFTER CHILDREN

LOW SEX DRIVE AFTER CHILDREN

Have you recently had children in the last 12 months and have found your sex drive to be lower? Do you have low sex drive after having children? Is your sex drive different from your husband’s? Does your husband have a high sex drive and you consider yourself to have low sex drive and this is creating conflict and difficulties in your relationship? Are you confused as to how to fix your low sex drive?

After the birth of a child or having several children there are huge demands placed on the couple. In particular, research shows that women often bear more of the workload of childrearing, household chores, as well as holding down a full time job. While the husband is holding a full time job, his participation and help in childrearing and household duties is often significantly less. Women report that they have to chase their husband, nag and tell them what to do. Women find this very frustrating, upsetting and unattractive, thus resulting in a low sex drive.

This idea of low sex drive and slapping a label on a problem in which two people in the relationship do not want to have sex in the same way, prevents couples from really exploring and examining underlying reasons that contribute to low sex drive.

One idea that contributes to low sex drive is that we are supposed to want to have sex at all times, under any condition, just because we are married. This idea is false and not true. Marriage does not make people sexually active, have high sex drive or want to have sex with their partner. Rather, it is the quality of the relationship and the interaction between the two people. Your partner needs to behave in a way that makes them sexually attractive and thus increase your sex drive.

In relationships, especially after children are born, if your partner does not step up and help out with the childrearing, help out with the household chores, take an active thinking, participating role in the childrearing, this will lower your sexual attraction. It may lead to feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment and sometimes even betrayal. Oftentimes, women report how after the baby was born the husband was not there, he was not getting up in the middle of the night, he was not helping the wife and instead playing video games, going out with his friends or just sitting there and watching TV because “he was tired”. All of these actions result in huge feelings of hurt, disappointment, resulting in low attraction to your partner.

Other things that reduce your attraction to your partner are anything that causes hurt or resentment. These are feelings that do not make you want to have sex with your partner. If your partner is constantly not doing what they say they are doing, not following through on their commitments, this will result in low attraction and low sex drive.

Low sex drive often has underlying roots in the quality of the relationship and the behavior of the other person. If somebody with “high sex drive” wants to have sex, they need to behave in a sexually attractive manner and this does not have to do with physical appearance, but that is a factor. You have to be an attractive partner by helping your partner, thinking about things, being supportive, pulling your weight at home. After the birth of children and in a marriage, what is attractive changes from when we were dating. So, things that matter more are how we conduct ourselves, how we help and support our partner and help out with the childrearing.

If you would like to learn how to address your sex drive issues, contact All in the Family Counselling and lead therapist, Tammy Fontana, at +65 9030 7239 or e-mail us at tammy@allinthefamilycounselling.com. Therapy is a process by which it can help couples address underlying issues and have difficult conversations to better improve the quality of their relationship. All in the Family Counselling has been providing therapy for just under two decades in Singapore and Southeast Asia. Tammy Fontana, lead therapist, has extensive experience with sex drive, low sex drive, sex and intimacy, marriage counselling, individual issues around anxiety and depression, communication and anger management, as well as infidelity. Contact us to learn more.