Love making vs baby making

Love making vs baby making

Are you a couple who has been struggling to have sex and now you want to start having sex in order to make a baby? Are you confused as to why you used to have a good sex life and now, since you started to try and make a baby, your sex life has become difficult, frustrating and unsatisfying? Are you and your partner challenged to connect and finally have satisfying sex, and at the same time you want to have a baby? Are you confused as to why it’s so hard to have sex right now when you want to have a baby?

Many people are not aware of how different love making is from baby making. Making love is about having sex because it feels good. There is absolutely no purpose for it, other than it feels good. It’s a way for us to express our connection, our desire, our intimacy with our partner.

Many people are not aware that baby making is very purposeful and produces different feelings. After an extended period of time baby making feelings like work, effort and a not a lot of fun or desire.  It’s independent of whether or not you feel like doing it because you have to do it because of the specific time. You need to do it now. It is not about feeling good or desired or connected.

In the beginning of baby making sex, when people start, love making and baby making can overlap. For the unfortunate couples who do not conceive immediately, they start to shift into timed sex, plan sex, and this is independent of whether one or the other person feels like it. A resulting outcome of this is it turns into work. People start focusing on the man’s erections and hardness. They don’t feel good and they can start to dread this kind of sex. People start to pull away, they feel guilty and awkard.  Especially if they cannot talk about it.

For many men, when they shift from love making into baby making, it feels like work. They start to get anxious around whether or not they will be able to perform. They start to overthink things and focus on whether or not they will be able to get an erection, maintain an erection, whether or not they will be able to orgasm. They start focusing on key performance indicators (KPIs). All of this shifts baby making really into the workbook and away from anything to do with pleasure.

Other couples who have never mastered or developed love making in their relationship or they were having sex for fun and pleasure and then they decided, at a certain point in their relationship, that they want to have sex to have a baby.  At this point they are finding that it is difficult and unpleasant, because they haven’t developed the pleasurable aspects of sex and now they have all the pressure to have sex under very stressful conditions in which they need to do it at the specific time, independent of whether or not they feel like it.

Because they are missing the baseline pleasure, sex becomes difficult for them and nearly impossible. In both cases baby making really ends up creating disconnect, stress and a very negative association with sex. It’s usually at this point, after many months, or sometimes years, of failure that couples reach out for therapy hoping that they can learn how they can have sex in order to make a baby.

If you are starting to experience this early on, it’s best to come in sooner. Because doing sex therapy to make a baby is contraindicated. Sex is about connection, it’s about feeling good, it’s about doing something that has no purpose, in which people need to be relaxed, have no pressure, be able to be connected and really opened for fun. Baby making is very very purposeful. It is work, it is effortful and it is disconnecting from things that make sex good.