Are past hurts interfering with present day relationships?
Were you cheated on in the past and are now afraid to trust anyone in the present? Did a previous partner lie to you and now you have a hard time trusting your current partner? Were you abruptly ghosted or broken up with and now you are afraid to trust yourself and the signs in your current relationship? Because of your past hurts are you afraid to really get close to anyone and you put up walls?
Do you find that your fears of being hurt, cheated on or betrayed make you very demanding in your relationship? Does your partner often accuse of punishing them for the sins of your past partner? Do you find you are so pre-occupied with fears of being cheated and hurt that it makes you miss all the sweet, kind and connecting things your existing partner is doing?
No one makes it to adulthood without a few battle wounds and scars. Past relationships and hurts can teach us life lessons and shape us. Unfortunately, sometimes the lesson life teaches we may have misunderstood or didn’t learn and so they keep happening to us again and again. This is how life is…life keeps giving you the lesson until you learn it.
I work with many people who self-describe as having abandonment issues or trust issues. The thing that their stories have in common is that they got hurt. They felt that they met the perfect person, they got along well. Often there was intense chemistry and they had great sex. They often describe feeling like they never have felt before. Then suddenly and abruptly the relationship changed. There can be different various and lengths for this. But in the end one of several scenarios happens. Either the person cheats on them and lies about it and very hurtful until the betrayal comes out. Or the person just turns off and goes from being totally into my client to being almost like a stranger and eventually they break up or the person ghosts them or dumps in a very impersonal way that doesn’t reflect the intensity of the relationship.
What all these cases have in common is that the person, my client, perhaps even you, didn’t have good boundaries in place to help them screen the person they were getting into the relationship with. These relationships often move way to fast for a person to evaluate them. Another common factor is that my clients, while saying they struggle to trust the person, completely gave up all control and let the other person dictate the relationship and the pace.
While this may not exactly fit you, having past hurts that we haven’t resolved or really understood, prevents us from developing healthy boundaries. In fact, many people will instead set up wall. Wall keep people out, or rather keep good people out. Only boundary-breaking people break down walls and then you will be with someone that isn’t good for you. This is where you keep dating the same kind of person.
If you want a healthy, adult relationship that is build on honesty and trust and commitment, you will need to learn to take care of yourself and set health boundaries. A better ability to set your standards and screen is required for you. To many people get bitter and angry at the quality of people out. They want other people to change rather than improve their dating and relationship skills. Don’t but your well-being into the hands of other. Take care of your life. Only you will really care about your life. If you expect other to, you will get hurt.
If you would like to learn better relationship skills, I can help you. If you want to understand what went wrong in past hurtful relationships so that you grow and develop, I can help you.
If you would like to have feelings that more accurately match your reality, the process of therapy can help you achieve this. Therapy provides a structured, safe and healthy relationship to help a person be able to recognize and process their feelings to make informed and healthy decisions and behaviors. If you want your life and relationships to better, don’t wait. Help is there for you.
If you would like to learn more, contact All in the Family Counselling Centre Pte Ltd. to arrange for an initial consultation. Preferred communication is via WhatsApp at +6590307239 or email at tammy @ allinthefamilycounselling DOT COM
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Through an initial consultation we'll help you frame goals and outcomes of therapy and what that would look like to achieve it.