Are you tired of trying to get your spouse or partner to do something about their behavior? Have you been tirelessly focusing on what they can change? Are you constantly giving them examples of how they hurt you or where they can change? Are you tirelessly pointing out situations and documenting events with no change? Do you feel frustrated because your care for your partner and your relationship fall on deaf ears? Are you consistently offering marriage or individual therapy to your partner only to be turned down or told our should go yourself?
If this resonates with you, perhaps you should listen to your partner and consider seeing a therapist for yourself to help your relationship. You may be thinking: What, I don’t have the problem, it’s my partner, they need the help and I have the proof. There is nothing wrong with me.
Well here is a thought, if you keep doing same thing expecting change in your partner, there may be something wrong how you are approaching things. You may want to ask yourself, why do you keep trying to fix or help someone who doesn’t want your help?
The other thing to consider is that therapy is not about being broken or wrong but rather improving the quality of your personal life. If you are not happy in the relationship and our partner doesn’t want to do anything maybe you should consider looking at yourself.
At the end of the day, the only person we can change or control is ourselves. Too often I see individuals or couples who turn therapy into something that it isn’t. They turn therapy into punishment. They position therapy to their partner that he or she has been bad now you have to see the therapist. Or they think therapy is like an autobody repair shop in which the therapist will reset the ‘defective’ person straight.
The truth is that in therapy, the therapist can only help those that want help. There is not a court of law to prove right or wrong. It is there to help increase a person or couple’s quality of life. Therapy is there to pull people out of denial and help them to see their lives more clearly and then present realistic choices available to them and see if they want to choose them.
We are not here to scold people or set people straight. Therapy cannot help people who do not want our help. Someone who doesn’t want therapy or doesn’t believe it will work is actually right. That person will reject insight, learning and help. That is fine.
But the smart person recognizes this and takes control of what they have control over, themselves.
You may think, but I want this relationship, but it isn’t working because of my partner’s problem. Well if that is true, then in turn this will become your problem, especially if your partner is repeatedly telling you that she or he doesn’t want to change. You need to ask yourself why aren’t you listening to them. You have choices that are probably painful and difficult for you to face. Therapy can help you.
If you are not happy with your relationship but your partner won’t change or come to therapy, come on your own. You can get the quality of life you want on your own. Contact us to learn how.
If you feel some of this speaks to you, reach out for an initial consultation.
If you’d like to find out how we can help you, please contact us for an initial session to learn more about how we would collaborate together.
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