So, You Say Don’t like Conflict, let me guess, you get a lot of it
I have more couples coming into my office because of poor communication and conflict issues.
Are you a couple wanting to fight less? Do you want less conflict? Are you married to someone who claims to want to avoid conflict, but you seem to have an above average amount with them? Does conflict resolution seem to evade you as a couple?
Do one or both of you claim to be more logical and less emotional? If one of both of you seems to be more logical and chooses to avoid dealing with your feelings, this can be a big contributor to conflict.
One of the biggest factors affecting most individuals and couples are their feelings! Yes, that’s right. Your feelings are getting in the way of your communication! Now, are you resistant to this idea? Well, what feeling are you feeling right now as I read this? Do you feel, defensive? Disbelief? Annoyed? Do you feel that you don’t have feelings? That you just get on with things? Do you simply feel your partner is just too emotional? Well, all these statements hide your feelings.
Many people who grew up in families that emphasized logic, avoided dealing with feelings. Feelings are an unavoidable part of being human. Whether or not you have developed your, let’s say, feeling muscle, will depend whether you recognize your feelings.
Most people who want to avoid conflict are not wanting to feel certain feelings. Do any of these feelings resonant with you?
Avoiding conflict to avoid feeling:
· Rejected: You may fear your partner’s reaction to you or something you want that is a part of you. You don’t want to feel rejected.
· Fear: Does it scare you when your partner gets angry with you? Not that they will beat you or anything so extreme, but you fear their anger. It may make you wonder if they will leave you.
· Accountability: Do you want to avoid feeling accountable for your actions? Many individuals avoid a fight or try to because they do not want to commit to something and be held accountable.
· Bad: Are you avoiding feeling bad? It may make you feel bad when you realize you cannot make your partner happy by giving them what they are asking you. So instead of dealing with that, you avoid the discussion or fight all together.
· Intimacy/closeness: Many people avoid conflict because they do want to be known. Have deep difficult discussion reveals who you are. You may be afraid to be too close to someone or fear them knowing you. This may be scary, and you prefer to avoid discussions and conflict.
· Abandonment: Many people fear conflict because they think it’ll be the end.
If you want to have LESS conflict and LESS fighting, you will need to learn to deal with your feelings. This means accurately identifying, labeling them, seeing what they are telling and then figuring out a productive and meaningful way to communicate them. So, it’s a lot of skills. But it is all very possible.
Therapy provides a structured, safe and healthy relationship to help a person be able to recognize and process their feelings to make informed and healthy decisions and behaviors. If you want your life and relationships to better, don’t wait. Help is there for you.
If you would like to learn more, contact All in the Family Counselling Centre Pte Ltd. to arrange for an initial consultation. Preferred communication is via WhatsApp at +6590307239 or email at tammy @ allinthefamilycounselling DOT COM
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