Can one person fix a couple’s sex life?
Did you find this article because you partner has mandated that you get help for the lack of sex in your relationship? Or are you the active person in the relationship trying to solve for the lack of sex and doing all sorts of research? Are you feeling very bad about yourself because you keep trying to initiate sex but keep getting turned down? Are you trying to figure out a way to solve for the lack of sex in your relationship, but your partner isn’t interested at all in solving it with you?
An all too often I see a solo client trying to solve for the lack of sex in the couple’s life. If they are the initiator, they are in a lot of pain from all the rejection. If they are the rejector, they are usually reluctantly in my office under duress or threat of the relationship ending. In either case, trying to solve the situation is very difficult for each person on their own.
In both parties, the person will have been in countless nonproductive talks with their partner about sex. They will have tracked how many times they have asked, been turned down or had sex. Either candidate is feeling hopeless, ashamed and overwhelmed at how to solve this issue.
Eventually they give up and become hopeless. Sometimes, the initator comes to therapy for help on how to solve the problem. They are racked with shame and low self-confidence. The person turning down sex may eventually call and make an initial appointment in my office because after years of this problem building, the relationship may be at risk. Their partner may have given them an ultimatum to get this problem fixed or the relationship is over. So now the baton has been passed to the resistor who is now left to fix the couple’s lack of sex life.
I get many cases like this one. Where one person out of the couple is coming to me to fix the sex life. Every case is unique and different, but these types of sexual cases do share something in common. The issues that the couples face are not really a sex problem, the lack of sex is a problem, don’t get me wrong, but it isn’t the problem, but rather the consequence.
Most of the time, these couples are struggling with power dynamics in the relationship. These couples will have issues around who is in charge and who gets to decide “what is right “for the couple. Often these type of power struggles are very subtle. The couples will have power struggles over the children, or money or cleaning or how to spend time. Basically, it is a couple that is struggling to share power and decision making in the relationship. These issues often boil over into the bedroom.
You see it there as well. One person is deciding that they have a sex problem, and this is the problem, it is X. The other person disagrees and resists. Then let the battle of power ensue. These types of couples will approach sex as either my fault or your fault. This framing of the problem is a larger problem.
If any of this sounds remotely familiar, this is a common issue I help couples learn how to navigate. I can help you with this issue if you need to start off by yourself. It is okay.
If you are skeptical think, what does power have to do with sex, I can assure you – a lot.
If you are skeptical about therapy, that is great! But one things people think is how is therapy supposed to help me or tell me something I don’t know. Therapy isn’t about giving advice, but helping people to examine their thoughts, feelings and patterns of behavior. In this example, I help couples correctly define the problem. Most couples incorrectly define their relationship problem which is why they can’t fix it.
If you would like to learn more, contact All in the Family Counselling Centre Pte Ltd. to arrange for an initial consultation. Preferred communication is via WhatsApp at +6590307239 or email at tammy @ allinthefamilycounselling DOT COM
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